1/2/23
I can't show you what's happening now. It's too tangled, too much shame. Too much realism. I can't even go one step removed because even that is too raw, too vulnerable. Two steps removed, I can say I am a better person with people to dive deep with me. The time and attention it takes is apparently heavy. Those persons that hear the dynamic truth of all the layers are hiding seemingly. Or I am hiding seemingly. This place is the place I think they say never to bring to Facebook. I'm not doing it because I think this will fix it. I want every part to be allowed. But then again there is such a thing as parameters. Would I bring paint to a swimming party ?
Would I wear a bathing suit to the mall ? Would I show up to volleyball wearing soccer cleats ?
I mean the obvious and probably sufficient answer is no. But I could see how I would do all those things as an anomaly or in a weird funny turn of events.
I guess what I'm really trying to do is relate. And if I'm being really honest, I want to stop feeling like the odd man out. The only way I can imagine this might work at this point is to just be honest about where I'm at. To just start saying more often, I really feel like the odd man out here. I'm just playing out where I'm at. I tried to control it, hide it, forcibly transmute it. I know I'll be different some way some how eventually. But I can't pretend anymore.
