12/28 Public Journal
Don't lose momentum !
I already let myself stray a bit by skipping three days of journaling. I've been playfully riding the line of discipline and allowing surrender to my mood. My Structure Master and my Chaotic Artful are in the process of learning to get along. They had previously been ignoring each other & simultaneously at war.
The Structure Master had become a distant memory from long ago self condemned days of societally approved child slavery (oops wow yeah I'm writing that knowing without a sense of humor that's pretty extreme). Also known as school. In righteously spiteful rebellion, Chaotic Artful had turned to Unresponsive Faux Flowist thinking the obvious response a realized life of contrived learning at the price of rigid dogma was to overlook the relevance of structure all together and just blow erratically down the side of the freeway at the whim of every car that rushed past.
Granted I realize I'm way too neat to have ever really been that much without structure, not to mention I'm not sure anyone can be completely without structure.
But if the Chaotic Artful turns into Unresponsive Faux Flowist without proper support, then the Structure Master turns into Regretful Unfulfillable High Hoper.
So they fought and fought, and it would seem Unresponsive Faux Flowist was winning in that she ostensibly was running the show for a good long time, but Regretful Unfulfillable High Hoper was wreaking havoc in return by setting a bunch of unrealistic goals and then sustaining off the great disappointment of never being able to accomplish anything nor choose anything anyway because of the regret of never fulfilling anything we chaotically set out to do.
Oh what fun.
Fast forward to somewhere around now and it has become starkly clear that both Chaotic Artful and the Structure Master, in harmony, are vital to the happiness and satisfaction of a life of me. And so first thing I did was even just to introduce Unresponsive Faux Flowist to the Structure Master, and to say, "I know you ignored and hated Regretful Unfulfillable High Hoper, and for good reason, but meet his more agreeable alterego, Structure Master. I know you both can't see it now but he will be very kind and helpful to you. In fact you might one day be turned on by how he encourages your Artful endeavors in a world full of math and guidelines. So I know it won't happen right away, but I'm just going to leave you two here to see if you can find a way that works for both of you to reintroduce Structure with the intention of giving Chaotic Artful a place to exist and thrive. Like truly thrive. Not dominate and reign supreme leader of emptiness land.
So anyway, this 40 day challenge is a fine example, because when I really decide I'm going to do something, I definitely in almost all cases am going to do it, but I can no longer slave guilt myself into perfection for the price of rigid dogma, because sometimes the mood just simply does not strike and I would not be me if I wasn't going to let it breathe while coming into being. It truly just feels so much better to me that way. As so the forest taught me. And I finally am coming to realize, in an embodied way, that what feels good to little ol me is actually very relevant to this world and these people I see around me.
And somehow it comes into being, in harmony and timing with my realizations of what my depth/heart truly desires. Not because I desire it, but, I desire it because it is what I'm being told is needed. In order to sustain a celebratory existence. And the more I allow myself to admit my pure desires to myself, the more room seems to open up for the birth of such in its own way beyond my plotted manipulation.
Celebrate: meaning, word dump:
Commemorate or honor with demonstrations of joy.
Make widely known, praise.
Assemble to honor.
The action of marking one's pleasure at an important event or occasion by engaging in enjoyable, typically social, activity.
To observe a notable occasion with festivities.
To me a celebratory existence is one in which we are jointly acknowledging the exquisiteness of this moment, this accomplishment that is creation, living.
To me celebration also allows room for anger or failure or fear. It overarches the duality of emotion. And for that I say, hell yeah.
