12/16
Things are getting trickier and trickier with this journal as I become more absorbed in depressive states. I'm weary of being quickly cast aside, with a, oh just another depressed person dwelling. Wish she would get some help.
I've been coming face to face again and again with some big blocks in my life that keep me from progressing. I'm not even ready to speak them on here.
People have told me I'm hard on myself. I can see that. I don't know how not to. Especially the more things I do that push people away, and continue to keep me at arms length from progressing.
I know there are many tactics out there that people have said will help a person in my situation. I know there are people out there dancing and laughing every day making light of this world with their heart friends.
I am currently covered in a veil of squiggly lines. I have lots of people that care about me and still for various reasons, I am and feel so very alone. I have separated myself on purpose and accidentally.
I haven't been able to keep many friends (the kind that see me all the time and know the day to day of my life).
I just got a glimpse of some concept, the one that knows says I'll only ever get more of the things I'm saying if that's all I'm ever saying.
I spent a whole year straight recently journaling, stating what I wanted, eating good, disciplined with my exercise, doing Kundalini yoga, etc.
I guess I only still can bear to even write this even though I'm pretty cringing at my own public display of ugh, is because maybe I'll get somewhere eventually and this will have been part of it. The part where I thought I had done everything and I was still stuck and then, well, something else happened.
At least even when I can't wrap my heart in a bow for my writings, I still know what it cares about, even if I think it's a doomed irrelevant vision.
I guess I'm just going to go ahead and tack on here at the end, a confession. Something I don't want to admit. I have spent almost two years trying in a million strange ways to "make a relationship work" with a person. I saw myself do a lot of very earnest, sweet intentioned things. And a lot of very confused/ing repulsive things, some in the vein of begging or blaming or completely melting down. I saw a time or two the part of me that's still a one-year-old and has learned that when all else fails, just wail cry and the person that loves you will give up their dramas and hold you and feed you and comfort you. And I've seen the person that loves me respond by telling me to stand up or walking away.
The amount of shame I carry for these actions, feels immense.
I don't know if anyone needs to hear this. Or maybe just me right now. Things are not always as simple as the isolated thing someone is suggesting for you on their Instagram video. And just because you can't figure out how to apply it to your dynamic life doesn't make you a piece of poop. But then again, as the Dalai Lama will tell me after I post this on FB, we all just want happiness and it's the simple things we can do to bring joy to a person's life.
I'm really not proud of being that person right now that's saying to the Dalai Lama's kind advice, I can't, it's not that simple. I want it to be that simple. So keep a look out to see how I transform into the posterchild for kindness and compassion and good relationships.
I'll be fascinated to see how I look back up on things like this when I'm no longer stuck in the muck.
Okay okay, just in case . . . one thing I like about my life is that the plants around my house seem to respond pretty well to me. And that I can see a flower pretty much every day.
