12/6
Throughout my life I've experienced at least a few times, someone close to me, stopping spending time with me seemingly abruptly without saying anything or much. It's even hard to state, because now I'm asking myself, did that really happen or did I make it up ?
That shows my general distrust of my own perception of my experience (something I really don't want to show you).
To have to make decisions for myself, the greatest weight I can carry. When I became aware of the dimensions and implications of each choice and realized I actually have some sort of a say in what happens to me.
Not to mention how much my tone shifts throughout the day. I get turned on by the idea of being that organized, to track all these different aspects of my experience and optimize my day to day artfully.
12/7
Yesterday was a hard day mentally. I wrote those few snippets in the morning and by the evening I was unable to write anything. Dunno if it was my paranoia from these journal entries or just my general malaise that prevented it, chicken or the egg kinda thing. That's the part of me that I feel most uncomfortable sharing publicly. The part of me that regularly slips into a deep dark depression and dismay about life. Anything I say now to describe it will just be a trite rendering. That's when I start wanting to share all my 'honest truths' about things and people that I usually just glaze over in most other times, thinking, yeah but look how beautiful things are as well, they didn't really mean that, people are people, you are people.
I noticed yesterday that my journal entries here start to morph over time in order with what I think people can/will understand. This is not the point of this though. The point is to share many of the things I actually think about in the ways I actually think about them. Trickier the more people comment and write to me and then my mind has a guess at who is reading these and what how they will hear the things I say.
To be honest about where I am right now, I feel lost.
I watched the show Alone some recently whenever it was pushed on Netflix and during that time I was working on the treehouse in the dead of texas summer. It made me start thinking about the way of looking at diet which is literally just caloric intake and energy expendature. I know there's a lot more to it to most of us.
During covid I had the pleasure of being in a very beautiful place, with one very good friend, neither of us knew anyone there, so we had no social temptations. There was a farmstand down the street where we bought much of our amazing food. I was taking care of a greenhouse and a big veggie garden. I did an experiment, I tried to fill my time entirely with only the things I thought would nourish me and leave me feeling on track and better. I concluded that with all the time available, I was just barely filling my need for slow, fluid, structured, multidimensional health and fun needs. Someone recently also suggested looking at how much more nourishment we can receive when able to meet with other people and be nourished that way.
But the general sense of this thought experiment is balancing a give and take of energy. Everything I do fills some different type of need and/or takes from the stores of energy. It's a very dynamic system, I don't claim to know its fullness or be able to harness it. But I notice, the more I am doing a job that only feeds me minimally back or only in certain areas, it takes more time other places to fill those needs. And if it seems to be taking more than it's giving back to me (money can be one aspect of this), there is only so long I can go on in this system, before my body starts to demand balance. Possible examples : getting sick, mental taxation, it taking more to be able to sustain, etc.
To go back to Alone, you can only do so much on a certain amount of calories, it's math basically.
(I realize there is some over-simplification here. Not to mention our under-developed ability to integrate more energy from plants or the sun, or with each other . . . )
So while I'm still working in the system present, I can just tell that its not balanced currently for me. But the tricky part, is I'm not exactly sure how yet, nor how to adjust. And since there are many factors, it takes time and attention to track myself deeply enough to be the one to bring myself to balance.
Meanwhile there's a part of me begging for someone to come do it for me. In addition to my little practice asking from help from non-humans when I do need intervention.
And the darker it gets, the more evidence I have of my own inadequacies that I know I do not want to harp on necessarily or amplify.
By the way if anyone wants a list of my perceived inadequacies, I'll be happy to send that over to you. :) In addition to that, there are definitely some ways in which I feel currently processing some memories and storylines that make me pretty timid of other people, necessarily.
Anyway, I have some inkling that when I have a more balanced system of elements, I will be able to brave my pinhole of dismay a little easier.
Whew ! What a swirl !
