12/4
Today I danced. I was lured back to the Sunday morning ecstatic dance (lured 😂), in honor of Brucie. I cried so much good wholesome tears. I stopped going to that dance because the space doesn't delight me. Today was so . . . powerful. Potent. I realized when Beau died that I didn't want to avoid memorials and funerals anymore. I'm so very intrigued by these moments in life that inherently bring us to our knees. Like being present at a birth. They humble us. And being humbled as a group is just 🙌.
I just looked up the word humble and it doesn't fit how I use it. I've liked the word for a long while.
I guess reverent could be another word for it. Silenced. Moved. Brought into immediate touch with a palpable feeling of life and others in life near you.
To honor someone who spread joy beyond measure, I feel so not a loss when they're gone. I mean, I miss getting to put my hands on them. But every single person who loved with Brucie will be a little lighter from his dispersion.
When I go to dance inevitably someone will come up to me and give me the biggest hug, so happy to see me. While I'm there I typically shake and roll on the floor, today I traded off putting a sock on one foot and then the other and sliding around on the slippery foot, using the bare foot as my pusher.
I let myself be moved throughout the sea, I finally don't worry about how my eye contact is holding or if I've stayed long enough to be loved. I flit and flutter and notice the waves of energy and the patterns my hands want to make. Which is sometimes very erratic. Bruce was not thrown off by my erraticness, it didn't seem to occur to him to try to figure me out, he was just there to kick a leg out sporadically along with me.
Speaking of being gotten, I wanted to say he 'got me' more than most, but really it feels more like in those moments, I didn't need him to, it felt good enough just to be there together and I believed he was fully choosing that. To be there together.
I yearn to be welcomed home and into bed at night. But besides that, I actually feel pretty satisfied by the fact that I can show up places here and be very genuinely greeted by people who I may not have had too many experiences with over the years, but the ones we've shared have been deep and often quite fun.
Yes I said it, I feel satisfied here. I am stubbornly starting to see that this place that I am at now, is pretty close to what a past me really wanted. It just seems like about a ten years ago self, and that feels like a long turnaround time for goal generation.
I'm also just realizing more and more how deeply deeply devastating it feels to me to choose a direction. I have historically taken it incredibly hard having to lose one lifestlye or people in lieu of another. I know that's how life is. Maybe I can keep more than I think. Maybe they all live inside of me no matter what. In oneness and reincarnation, I am experiencing all of those experiences so I don't have to worry about missing out. Blah.
But I seem hyper-aware of the fact that this life I'm living now came at the cost of something else I could've done. And it seems hard for me to accept always that this is how it came to be.
Weird.
But in this moment it's lovely to visit with my 18 year old self and hear her say, "dude . . . dope."
There's still so much I want to accomplish and witness and experience.
But she says, "dude, you did something right honey because wow, I did not know we had so much f***ing love in us, but really it makes sense based on how much we've always cared."
Egg called himself the other day the keeper of Jam lore. He reminds me of things he saw me do and interactions I had that I had totally forgotten.
It's somehow so easy to forget how much miraculous stuff that has gone down.
Like, I have been moved to heart burst open full body tears so many times in this life.
I have laughed so enormously. I have stood at the edge of mountains and been told in every language & dimension simultaneously that I belong, that I haven't failed, that I'm truly important.
I recently remembered a long seated narrative I've carried. That my existence brought with it the demise of those that would think to come after me. That my thriving comes at the cost of others'.
Whoopf. That's something.
On the one hand, you know, we can say that's obviously not true.
My thriving has been proven to improve that of others. But we can also all see how some of the luxuries we may choose to participate in in our culture, actually do come at a cost to other people somewhere else.
I'm fascinated to find the parts of me that can relate to being a human that might choose to cut down/burn massive areas of rainforest (my passion place). Because on one hand, that feels so so so so far from anything I'd ever choose to do. But I'm so interested to know what leads to such a decision even being possible from a human.
Anyway my deepest heart of hearts wants to be able to thrive in collaboration with all people. We don't have to like every single person.
I imagine whatever ways in which this becomes reality are unforeseen from here and now. But I'm generally inclined to continue reimagining this possibility.
