12/2
Today was a foggy day. I multi-snoozed my alarm. The cat tried to annoy me into getting up to let him out and/or tell me it was time to rise but instead I kicked him out of my room and in defiance, I went back to bed. I love sleeping. Not only is it the comfiest times of life but I also think the part of me that yearns to be let off guard enjoys having a sanctioned time to do nothing and talk to/tend to no one.
Although dreaming and night traveling take energy at times.
Every single night before I fall asleep I tell myself what I'm grateful for, and someone recently suggested to add, what I wish for. They said it would be surprising how quickly the things happen. I don't think I've had that result as much yet but I do enjoy just letting myself indulge in wishing.
Wishing, to my spiritual ego is like sitting on the couch watching baking shows because you want to learn to bake. However, somehow "setting intentions," making goals, or writing a list of desires is acceptable to my spiritual ego. 😆
Wishing feels like the giddiness of letting my little kid do what comes naturally to it, like in times before I learned how to say things to fit in with the common vernacular and not illicit in people a variety of rote, subtle, yet not so subtle suggestions of ways to improve; implying my statement was an obvious indication that I was looking to fix my way of thinking/being.
I see the spiritual ego self as the part of me that has pretty specific ideas of how I should act in order to be a good girl for god's/righteousness's requirements (now bookmarking asking myself what's my difference between religious and spiritual). For the longest while that part of me was going around trying to make me seem to the world like I'm pure by withholding my anxious/angry/jaded/hostile/viciousness and then I will be rewarded or liked or understood.
I follow the dalai lama on FB and the last thing I remember was him talking about happiness and how every human truly just wants to be happy deep down. So he goes around helping facilitate that as much as possible.
I'm also watching the show Wednesday (from the Addams Family) right now and I'm noticing how satisfying it feels for me to watch someone who is just so unapologetically morose and to the point. Most people at her school seem to just know that about her and aren't bothered by it nor take it personally.
I know she's a fictional character and that is the way she is all the time.
Sometimes I experience being in a perspective that completely overshadows the existence of another way of seeing things. While I'm in a certain state, especially if I'm really soaking in that state, focused in, or just really exploring that character in that moment, I can't see the parts of me that feel/think differently.
If I'm feeling very alone and in that narrative, I may not have access to or be in touch with the part of me that just had a moment last week of feeling very much a part of a group.
I guess what I'm saying is that yes I do believe, in some form of the word, that we all do just want to be happy. I'm also curious right now in life to explore the different states of being that come into my awareness. I see the vicious, I see the scared, the morose. And to me it's interesting to play in and notice the different ways of being / moods / themes. Especially if I am not diverted by the paranoid (I mean that gently) idea that there may be something wrong / bad with me. OR perhaps the more immediate concern, of what kind of unhappiness I might cause to someone else's life by experimenting in something like hostility. Light heartedly of course.
I think this is where I come to, theater ! What becomes acceptable / approachable by way of context. In theater you are allowed to express such intense emotion in a container where the recipient / co-feeler is somehow safe to experience it, maybe without taking it personally. Or they may take it personally but may not think less of you for inspiring such concepts to stir within.
