12/1
I often feel like there's something I'm missing here. My life doesn't look the way I would think it would given the person I see myself as. I see others around me having successes, rising in career, sexuality, community offerings, etc. And my honest secret is that I feel I've done more work, more considering, more feeling, more exploring. I'm not sure that's true though. Basically I feel like if these people are doing it, I should have the life of my dreams by now. But I don't. In fact, it would often seem based on where I'm at and the challenges I have that I am very far from being as expressed as them, from having successes in those areas. I feel just as isolated and hidden as ever, probably more so. My last romantic relationships with people I deeply adored have seemed to show me I am in over my head, my execution is askew, that I don't see things as they are. I feel like I'm constantly being shown by existence that I'm repressed, out of alignment, too anxious, shrouded, unconfident, immature, mean, just not getting it and not being given it.
Luckily I find pleasure in very simple things easily enough that I always rest in talking to a tree or a nice stretch or something. But I think I believe that the outer world will reflect how you truly feel and what you truly know inside, and if that's the case, I'm worse off than I would've liked to admit.
I imagine this is hard for some people to read for various reasons. These are some things I don't usually think are good form to share publicly.
I've been crying while writing this.
I just can't imagine that I really don't fit as much as I think I don't. I can't be the only person I'll make sense with for my entire life. How could I feel how I feel about myself and the earth and have seen all I have seen, and always live capped by incessant comparison and meagerness and seeming lack of success ?
I loved what it felt like being with egg and traveling around adventuring. I had someone on my side across the lands and we could do so much for people ! There was an ease in having help and sharing some of the daily pressures and stresses. He encouraged me to make things and it felt easier to accomplish things and talk to people.
Because of how much turmoil there was toward the end and how much it took to for us to be separated (we both wanted to try to hold on even though it just seemed to be not working anymore), it left me feeling like I hadn't been seeing something that must've been so obvious. I thought it was great and it was also so painful and hurtful and confusing.
I know we needed these experiences in order to learn some important things. What they are, I'm not always sure and I don't think we see the same lessons in it.
I hate to say it but every relationship that ends or seemingly mysteriously shifts while we both have different stories, leaves me feeling confused and uneasy. Like I must be so blind to my own shortcomings or I must be inappropriately tuned.
Yes to cover my bases, I've considered many of the more sugary ways of seeing all this. Or the fact that it may all be too heavily biased toward me being wrong or bad or messed up.
I'm at the point now where I have seen myself going round enough times, I have withheld speaking with intentions of "only putting positivity into the world" by saying it the right way, I've tried to fix myself many which ways, I've spoken out loud to myself, to others . . .
I honestly love these parts of myself.
I adore these experiences for the array of color I see and the depth I become privy to.
I'm just terrified of sharing them with people and having to hear or feel, indirectly often without them owning it, their discomforts or not knowing themselves enough to love themselves and hear the deeper meanings in all these things. Often comes in the form of feeling sorry for where I'm at. To witness and love the deeper themes that link us to ancient stories and ways of being that in investigating, liberate us from the need to be different than we are, and allow us to work with what we've got. The deeper themes that speak to such beautiful story archs of transformation and development. The ways in which there are no scary fates to be avoided but the inherent crevasses and shadings of an object sitting in a beam of light. The shadows aren't the opposite of the light, they are contained of the light as it interacts with the world of form. The world that we are exploring in the choice to live. To condense consciousness into matter.
I want to celebrate my dynamism, the ways that I'm naturally relentless with experiencing myself from different angles. I care a lot, for better or for worse, how people see me, and if I can share in celebration with them, or if I'm tempted to co-opt my own deep truths for the understanding of another or common ways of seeing things.
I can see how much fear I have of being misunderstood. I imagine somewhere in there is my tendency to become isolated maybe in avoidance of obvious rejection. The rejection that will seem small and commonplace but will curl all my edges and have me instantly deconstructing any semblance I had of sureness of my process and feeling like an alien to the whole damn place.
