I finally found myself wanting to share about a book a read a few years ago. With my current closest lady friend. A book that I haven't wanted to bring up to anyone because I know the concept is easily misunderstood based on common conception, and, that the book does a much more thorough job at nuancing the topic. I've been building a rapport with this friend and feeling more able to bring up complex, sensitive opinions I have.
So we were chatting and some related topics came up and I felt a natural entry way to explain this book. I started to notice (based on subtle body gestures and noises of acknowledgement) as I was explaining, like I do, that she wasn't picking up what I was hoping to put down. I was looking for a sense of inclusion in the connection with the book and the appreciation of the poignancy and delicacy of this topic.
Needlesstosay as I neared a pausing point with my explanation and internet excerpting, she jumped in. She instantly expressed her disagreement with the premise of the book and equated it to her problems with "religion." So already I knew we were in sensitive territory.
And in my head I'm checking my assumption with myself that this is very delicate territory and any semblance of challenging I do to her disagreement will feel like some sort of battle.
So I say, "oh interesting, I didn't get that about the book, did the summary say that for you ?"
To which she replied, "yeah well I thought it did . . .it's just {reasoning about how life works inferring that that's very different than what the book surmises}. Which was interesting, because to me her understanding of the world she brought up felt very similar to what I was proposing with the book. By this point, I think something deep down in me I can't yet touch, had sunk, and I'm had started to distance myself from her.
I decided then that because she wasn't asking me any further questions about my thoughts or opinions of the book I brought up, and we hadn't even edged toward wrapping up the original conversation that brought the book up, that I'm just going to listen to her finish describing how she sees the world, and let my original intent go.
I decided (whether that was mine to decide) that there was already something so ignited in her, displayed by her fervor for sharing her disagreement with the book's premise, that there would be no way to show her my original inspiration and excitement for this topic without the energy of defensiveness, which I don't much enjoy, it seems, as a conversational tactic. It doesn't to me feel like a very receptive ground for considering uncommon ideas. I'm not fully sure if that's true, but I can see that my distaste for what seems like an argument, brings a combative tone to a conversation generally.
This reminds me of something that really gets to me about people and relating through conversation with people. Often. That instead of a tactful and open minded curiosity for others' perspectives and values, we often seem to be challenging and combating things people bring up. It feels like with a vengeance sometimes. Like allowing you to share your truth with me without inserting an immediate counter that I have heard or thought, would be allowing you to BE WRONG ON MY WATCH ! Or something ?
What I would've wanted from her, would've been for her to get curious and inquisitive about what I valued from the book. Why I brought it up now. Get curious about how I felt she had misjudged what I was hoping to convey. To allow herself to play with the ideas of the book and how they relate to the topic for me, as a way to get to know me better, to more fully get my world and how it related to the original conversation.
Yes I could've let her know it seemed misunderstood for me, or that there was something more I wanted her to get, or tried a little harder to show my points.
But I decided for both of us not to do the work and to assume by her response that she wasn't currently willing to consider the nuances of the topic I brought forth. And I see how that could maybe seem like an opportunity that I missed, if I really wanted to be gotten or have the topic valued. But there's also a part of me that feels that was a correct assessment of the situation.
She wasn't ready to get the books premises. And it wasn't going to fix anything to try harder in that moment.
But I still feel misunderstood. And sad. And alone with my understandings and with a longing to be met.